Falling Stars Page 4

  Part of me does, Connor, but I can’t afford to give in to that part of myself. I shook my head. “It’s not that.”

  “Then what is it, Cat? I don’t understand why you’d react like this if it wasn’t.” The expression on my brother’s face was openly confused. There was a hint of desperation there, too--I knew he had to be desperate to help Lucian, who was obviously really the last thing he had left of the life he had known after my departure and before our home was destroyed.

  I hung my head, squeezing my eyes shut and curling my hands into fists. “I can’t afford attachments, Connor. The only reason I’m as good at my job as I am is because I’m alone in the universe. I thought you were all dead. I had nothing left. Nothing to lose and everything to gain, mission after mission after mission. All I have is the job. I am the job.” I turned and reached for his hand. “Connor...don’t get me wrong. I’m happy you two lived, but...”

  “We’ve managed to totally screw up your life without trying. I understand that.” He took my hand and squeezed it. “But I can’t understand how you can possibly think that the reason for your apparent skill is because you have no attachments, Cat. You’re good because you just are--not because you’re alone.”

  I shook my head. “Connor...I don’t have fear because I’m alone. The fearlessness makes me better than I would be otherwise--than I could be otherwise.” I reached out and grasped his upper arm at the shoulder, squeezing gently. “Please, Connor, you have to understand. I can’t afford what you’re asking me to do--and considering that your life and his life and the lives of the rest of your squad are in my hands...”

  He hung his head. “...none of us can afford it. I hear what you’re saying, Cat, I just...I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to believe it.”

  “It’s the only choice we have, Con.”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  3

  Connor and I didn’t discuss the matter again, at least not for a while. I could tell he wanted to--I suppose that I couldn’t blame him for that. He’d always loved Lucian like a brother, and he more than anyone else had been overjoyed when Lucian asked me to marry him. Now, with everything that had happened, I guess he’d started to have trouble with the lie he and Lucian were living--Lucian didn’t know it was a lie, of course, but Connor did. It must have hurt him, I think. He’d always had trouble with lying, ever since we were children. I supposed that he really hadn’t changed in that regard.

  We came back into the unit’s barrack a few days after the Iron Vipers had left on their mission to hear a woman’s voice humming softly. There was a strawberry blonde woman standing next to one of the bunks, arranging pictures on her bulletin board and personal effects in the mesh netting that hung from the bunk above. Connor stopped just outside the open door when he heard the humming. “Cat,” he whispered hoarsely, “Cat, quick, who is that?”

  I frowned. “Just a girl, Con.”

  “What does she look like? Tell me what she looks like!” There was urgency in his hushed whisper.

  Connor, what the heck is going on with you? “About our size, duty uniform. She’s got her back to us. There’s not much I can see.”

  “Hair color?”

  “Strawberry blonde. Looks long, too, but she’s got it twisted up.” I raked a hand back through my short-cropped hair. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” he mumbled. “Help me to my bunk, will you? I think maybe I’ll listen to music for a while.”

  I just nodded and put my arm around his shoulders, beginning to guide him back to his bunk in the corner. Do I really want to know what’s going on with you, Connor? I really need to keep my distance. For your sake, for my sake--for everyone’s sake. It was strange. I’d only joined the Iron Vipers a few days before, but already I was beginning to find the silence between Connor and I disconcerting. Something like that hadn’t happened in years. Over the past five years, I’d come to revel in the silence. I can’t allow myself to change. Distance keeps me and those I am charged with safeguarding alive. My fearlessness makes me superior. I have nothing to lose.

  But I do... I gritted my teeth and tried to kill the thought, shove it away. I didn’t have anything to lose. I couldn’t have anything to lose.

  As I helped Connor toward his bunk, the woman looked up from what she was doing. Her brow furrowed slightly as she looked at me, but her eyes lit up when she saw Connor. “Connor Davies, aren’t you going to say hello?” She had a Brit’s accent, something I hadn’t heard in years. I’d met a few people with such an accent, but not recently. Not since I’d left E-Fed.

  Not since I’d found out what they sent Mat Taylor and the Screaming Eagles to do five years ago at Gattica. Not since my CO told me and turned a blind eye as I stole an entire wing out from under him and took it to the Alliance.

  For a moment, I wondered if she was like me in that, another defector. The thought evaporated as Connor turned and smiled weakly at her.

  “If I could have seen you, Maryanne, I probably would have. I’m guessing you’re back?”

  Her eyes widened when she saw the blindfold over Connor’s eyes, expression melting into one of concern. “Aye, Connor, I’m back. Intel finally decided I didn’t know anything beyond what I’d already told them.” She came over to us, taking both of his hands. “Connor, what happened to your eyes?”

  “I was stupid. Caught a flash-bang a bit too close. Temporarily blind with nasty light sensitivity. No permanent damage, though.” He grinned at her a little. “It’s a shame we were down a medic for that run, huh?”

  She bit her lip, reaching up and touching his cheek lightly below the blindfold. His expression went slack and he drew her toward him in a hug, squeezing her tight against his chest. I felt a pang of empathy, of regret.

  I’m never going to have that with Lucian.

  “I’m sorry,” Maryanne whispered.

  “Shh,” he whispered. “Not your fault. What about you? How are you doing? I imagine you look a lot better than you did the last time I saw you.” He grinned wryly and sort of tipped his head toward me slightly. I think he might have winked, but with his blindfold, I couldn’t be sure. It would’ve been like him to do something like that, though.

  I had to fight down a smile despite myself.

  Her arms tightened around him for half a heartbeat, then she released him and held him at arms’ length, looking him up and down. “I’m all right. Knee and shoulder still stiffen up without warning sometimes, but it’s not too bad and I’m cleared for duty. Next time the squad rolls out, so do I. I’m guessing they’re out on assignment right now, huh?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. They left me here with this one,” he jerked a thumb in my general direction. “Cat, please tell me you didn’t move on me, because if you did, I’m going to feel really stupid.”

  I smiled a little. “Right where you left me, Lieutenant.” I extended my hand to his friend. “Captain Catherine Anders, calsign Cat. I’m the Vipers’ new pilot.”

  The other woman’s grip was firm. “Lieutenant Maryanne Cooper. Unit medtech.” After releasing my hand, she turned back to Connor. “Do you want to go get some coffee with me? We can sit down and catch up.”

  He smiled. “I’d like that. Cat, you don’t have to come.”

  I nodded. “Call if you need something.” I left him to Maryanne and went back to my quarters, where I pulled off my boots and curled up with my bear. Distance. I have to keep my distance. Damn you, Connor! I’m not supposed to care. I’m not supposed to be this close to tears. I’d dreamed of a similar reunion between Lucian and I, a lot like the one I’d just witnessed between him and Maryanne. I hated to admit that to myself. I’d always known it wasn’t going to happen, though, and eventually it was, in part, the pain of that knowledge that motivated me to forget. They’d been dead to me. Everyone had been.

  It didn’t matter that I loved him. It did
n’t matter that I still did. I couldn’t allow myself to feel the pain. There is no pain. There is no one. I am alone, one pilot in the void. One ace in the hole. Alone. I’m alone, and that’s the way it needs to be.

  That night, for a second time since joining the Vipers, I cried myself to sleep.

  4

  Connor spent a lot of time with Maryanne after that--he didn’t seem to much need me. I didn’t mind so much. I spent some time in the flight simulators and at the firing range. I also spent a lot of time thinking, mostly about how to maintain my distant, removed attitude, trying to figure out how to forget even though I was constantly reminded.

  Every time I heard them, saw them, it was like rubbing salt in an open wound. Leaving, though, was out of the question. The Iron Vipers needed me, and in order for the Alliance to win this war, this war that had started with Gattica, they needed the Vipers. I couldn’t abandon them. I needed to find a way to abandon my feelings instead. By worrying, I would do a disservice to them all. It dulled my edge, made me somehow a lesser pilot than I was. I couldn’t afford that. Command sent me here because I was the best, and the Vipers needed and deserved the best. I couldn’t let anything jeopardize that.

  But damn, it was hard to stop feeling.

  The rest of the Iron Vipers returned several days after Maryanne’s arrival. I didn’t realize it at the